Posted on February 14, 2012

Love…. There has been written so much about it. People try to express love through visual art, music, poetry… And yet it’s something no one can really explain. The reason is simple: it’s coming from the heart, no mind. Or maybe even from the soul as Rumi wrote once:

I love my friends neither with
my heart nor with my mind.
Just in case heart might stop,
Mind can forget.
I love them with my soul.
Soul never stops or forget.

Why do we love someone? Where does love come from? And what is love??? Once I wrote my thoughts on love in relationships and its different levels/stages(kama, prema, bhakti).

Today’s post is about self-love as this is a source for love we can share with others. It has nothing to do with egoism. Only when you nourish yourself you can nourish others. Without self-love we will always look for some «loving» relationship that will make us happy. Coming from the place of lack, it will be always based on negativity of lack. It will be about demanding love from a partner rather than unconditionally sharing our inner love. How can you share if you don’t have enough? What can you squeeze out if you are empty?…

illustration by Jason V Lu

Many years ago, a friend of mine gave me a little book by Don Miguel Ruiz called «The Mastery of Love». He said it helped him tremendously, and it was his everyday reading book for years. My English was quite poor back then, but I found that it was written in very simple words yet the meaning was very profound. Here comes a few pages of what the author said on self-love:

«Everyone has a price, and Life respects that price. But that price is not measured in dollars or in gold; it is measured in love. More than that, it is measured in self-love. How much you love yourself  - that is your price – and Life respects the price. When you love yourself, your price is very high, which means your tolerance for self-abuse is very low. It’s very low because you respect yourself. You like yourself the way you are, and this makes your price higher. If you don’t like things about yourself, the price is a little lower.

Sometimes the self-judgment is so strong that people need to be numb just to be with themselves. If you don’t like a person, you can walk away from that person. If you don’t like a group of people, you can walk away from those people. But if you don’t like yourself, it doesn’t matter where you go, you are right there. To avoid being with yourself, you need to take something to numb you, to take your mind away from yourself. Perhaps some alcohol is going to help. Perhaps some drugs will help. Perhaps eating – just eat, eat, eat. The self-abuse can get much worse. There are people who really feel self-hatred. They are self destructive, killing themselves little by little, because they don’t have the courage to kill themselves fast.

If you observe self-destructive people, you will see they attract people just like them. What do we do if we don’t like ourselves? We try to get numb with alcohol to forget our suffering. That’s the excuse we use. Where are we going to get alcohol? We go to a bar to drink, and guess who’s going to be there? People just like us, who try to avoid themselves also, who also try to get numb. We get numb together, we start talking about our suffering, and we understand each other very well. We even start to enjoy it. We understand each other perfectly because we vibrate in the same frequency. We are both being self-destructive. Then I hurt you, you hurt me – a perfect relationship in hell.

What happens when you change? For whatever reason, you no longer need the alcohol. It’s okay now to be with yourself, and you really enjoy it. You no longer drink, but you have the same friends, and everyone’s drinking. They get numb, they start getting happier, but you can clearly see that their happiness is not real. What they call happiness is a rebellion against their own emotional pain. In that “happiness” they are so hurt that they have fun hurting other people and hurting themselves.

You no longer fit in, and of course they resent you because you are no longer like them. “Hey, you are rejecting me because you no longer drink with me, because you don’t get high with me.” Now you have to make a choice: You can step back, or you can go to another level of frequency and meet people who finally accept themselves like you do. You find there is another realm of reality, a new way of relationship, and you no longer accept certain kinds of abuse».

illustration by Jason V Lu

And a bit more from the same chapter «The Dream Master»: «EVERY RELATIONSHIP IN YOUR LIFE CAN BE HEALED, every relationship can be wonderful, but it’s always going to begin with you. You need to have the courage to use the truth, to talk to yourself with the truth, to be completely honest with yourself. Perhaps you don’t have to be honest with the whole world, but you can be honest with yourself. Perhaps you cannot control what is going to happen around you, but you can control your own reactions. Those reactions are going to guide the dream of your life, your personal dream. It’s your reactions that make you so unhappy or make you so happy.

Your reactions are the key to having a wonderful life. If you can learn to control your own reactions, then you can change your routines, and you can change your life. You are responsible for the consequences of whatever you do, think, say, and feel. Perhaps it’s hard for you to see what actions caused the consequence – what emotions, what thoughts – but you can see the consequence because you are suffering the consequence or enjoying the consequence. You control your personal dream by making choices. You have to see if you like the consequence of your choices or not. If it’s a consequence you enjoy, then keep doing what you are doing. Perfect. But if you don’t like what is happening in your life, if you aren’t enjoying your dream, then try to find out what is causing the consequences you don’t like. This is the way to transform your dream. »

Thank you for reading it with me!

14th of Feb 2012

Zoya

After a wonderfully sunny and unexpectedly warm (25C) weekend, in one night the temperature dropped at least 10 degrees Celsius, and it now rains cats and dogs. Yes, the weather in Taipei is notorious for being unstable («just like Taiwanese ladies» according to my local friends:)

The weather changes, things don’t necessarily happen the way we want them, nothing lasts for long or forever. That’s the law of the Universe. If we accept it, we can eliminate a lot of suffering and find balance and warmth within. And sometimes we need just a bit of an extra help – here comes my best remedy– ginger tea!!!

Buy some fresh ginger root.

Fresh Ginger by Zoya Lu

Here is sold everywhere as it is widely used in Chinese cooking. Hopefully it will be available in the produce section of your local market. The quantity of ginger you want to use will depend on its maturity (the older – the spicier), on the number of mugs required and on your taste butts. You can always experiment with it, and if it’s too spicy for you simply add more hot water into your mug. This piece in my hand was big enough for 4-5 cups of quite strong ginger tea.

ginger on Zoya's hand

Wash ginger really well with a brush to remove any soil or rough pieces of skin. Slice it. No need to peel off the skin as long as you washed it well (I like this part as peeling ginger is not easy).

ginger slices by Zoya Lu

Put ginger slices into a required quantity of water. Bring it to a boil, then reduce the heat and simmer for 10 min. I like to keep my teapot just partially covered, so the wonderful smell of ginger fills in my kitchen and flat. Strain the tea and serve. Sometimes I like to add a bit of a lemon juice; sometimes I add some brown or palm sugar. Try what taste you like most!

Ginger tea is not just going to really warm you up from inside out. It will also boost your energy level and immune system. It’s widely used as a home remedy for nausea, indigestion, to relief menstrual cramps, heartburn and migraine, and to prevent and treat colds, flu, and sore throats. It’s even believed to have anti-inflammatory and anti-cancer properties.

my cup of ginger tea by Zoya Lu

Enjoy your cup of invigorating freshly made ginger tea and stay warm in your heart!

 

Zoya

 

7th of Feb, 2012

 

A new year of Water dragon, the Chinese year 4710(!) will begin on Jan. 23, 2012. Congratulations to all!

illustration by Jason V Lu

A year of Dragon is the luckiest year out of the 12 years cycle as Dragon is believed to be the most powerful of all Chinese zodiac animals . Did you know that Chinese people compare themselves to the descendants of Dragon? Yes, Chinese emperors were believed to be the incarnations of dragons from the heaven and enjoyed the title “the Son of Heaven”. In Dragon year, as it is so lucky, many people try to start something important – new projects or careers, marriage or even a new life – giving birth to “a baby dragon” is the luckiest event for any family! In Taiwan, there is already 10% increase in pregnancy rate (to compare with last year)!

baby dragons bought by Zoya Lu:)

The celebration of the New Year is very important in Chinese culture. Every family has been preparing for weeks now. People have started shopping, decorating their houses and preparing gifts of red envelopes well in advance. You can see bright coloured new-year stuff on sale everywhere.

lucky symbols to stick on the doors

flowers and plants to decorate the house

sweets for kids

On Saturday, Jan. 21st, we’ll gather for a big Chinese family lunch and a ceremony of praying to ancestors. Then on the 22nd, on Sunday night, is the New Year’s Eve (called 除夕”Chuxi” by Chinese), so there will be a huge family dinner in every house. On that day, no matter how far, people will go back home, and the whole family will get together to celebrate the coming New Year. Chinese New Year of 2012, which is usually called Spring Festival, begins from the first day of the first Chinese lunar month (Monday, January 23), and lasts for 15 days till Monday, February 6, the Lantern festival (I’ll post some Lantern photos then). Starting from Monday most people will have a whole week off work. Most shops and restaurants will be closed.  People will stay home and eat, drink, play, rest and eat more! There is a great post on Chinese traditions for this time of the year here.

May this special Chinese Dragon year become a special year for you too!

Zoya

19th of Jan, 2012

Everything and everyone in this world possesses qualities of Yang and Yin, Ha and Tha, Surya (which translates as the Sun from Sanskrit) and Chandra (the Moon from Sanskrit). It’s only when these opposite forces are in balance, the perfection is achieved. The balance doesn’t mean 50/50. Thanks to all sorts of different ratios of Ha and Tha qualities in objects, animated and unanimated, we can enjoy the variety and beauty of our Universe.

But let’s look at a human being. Surya is our most fundamental life force, which is always within us. It enables our existence. It gives us that «I am» feeling which is crucial for our self-identification and survival, the understanding that «I am one and unique». The same way the Sun is constantly producing light, our inner Surya is producing awareness and projecting it into the world. This awareness allows us to control everything in our inner world, and projects it out creating our outer world. We need to spread out our awareness into all spheres of our being and life, the same way the solar light spreads out in all directions. Our awareness is our light that dispels the darkness of ignorance and gives us ability to see, to understand. It’s by becoming aware we get power to create changes. The more we pay attention to Surya, our fundamental force of existence, the more powerful we become.

Yellow And Orange Rays by David Wagner

Whatever we do in life is to feel better which can be achieved only by strengthening our force of Surya. All spiritual practices help to strengthen our Surya by connecting to this main life force within us. A meditation is always based on «centring» ourselves – coming to our centre, our Surya. Surya force is in the centre of everything just as the Sun is in the centre of our planetary system.  Imagine yourself standing in the centre of a circle or a sphere. How does it feel to you? Being in the centre, makes us feel better as we get supported by the force of Surya. Some people, however, might feel confused or shy which indicates that their Surya force is not quite awaken. Have you noticed how children love to be in the centre of attention? Their spirit is still weak, and by receiving people’s attention, they receive strengthening of their Surya. Children that will eventually get strong enough, won’t need it anymore, but those who fail to develop enough Surya strength, will always rely on others for the energy support. Egoism is a manifestation of the weak Surya.

Zoya reaching to Surya by Vladimir Dunaev

Take a minute now to feel this Surya force inside of you. Sit straight, close your eyes and take a few deep breaths, breathing out all the thoughts out of your mind. Now open up your awareness and look within. Come to the centre, your centre. Feel where that most concentrated «I am» is. We usually feel it deep inside, in the centre of the chest. Stay there for some time and observe it. Something that is being observed is your Surya. Something that is observing it is also your Surya. And that expansion of «I» that is happening by this observation is of Surya nature too. Being in the state of meditation makes us stronger, warmer, more solid, more stable. It brings us experience of being united, being One with all, and gives us power to influence anything we want, as it becomes a part of our being.

Zoya

15th of Jan 2012

Let’s talk about duality today. Our whole existence is based on duality – we learn from a very early age what's good and bad, hot and cold, light and dark, who is a girl or a boy, tall or short, fat or skinny and so on. Without duality we won't possess ability to understand the world the way we do.

All spiritual disciplines, including yoga, teach us how to become aware of this dualistic perspective in order to eliminate it by achieving a union where all is one. Our life is all happening in our mind anyway, so if we change our perception, then our reality changes.

In Chinese culture and Dao tradition, the duality is represented by yin-yang symbol where yang is male qualities such as active, hot, hard, bright, positive, and yin is a complete opposite described by female qualities – receptive, cold, soft, dark, negative. (By the way, here there is a very detailed explanation on why the Yin-Yang symbol looks the way it does. I found it very interesting!)

In yoga, we also work with the duality, using Ha to represent male essence, or the Sun (Surya in Sanskrit), and Tha to represent female one, or the Moon (Chandra). That's where hatha yoga comes from – it's all about balancing our inner Ha and Tha. By the way, any type of yoga which includes some type of physical movements is hatha yoga so it is a generic branding, so to speak. It's like plain yogurt. And there are many different schools and styles, which are like varieties of flavoured yogurt, for example Anusara, Ashtanga, Bikram, Iyengar, Kundalini, Shivananda, Vini, Universal yoga, etc. All of them are hatha yoga schools. They might emphisize different aspects of yoga but the goal is always the same – the union of Surya and Chandra, Ha and Tha, Yang and Yin.

Id' like to talk more about how this dulaity thing can be relevant to getting our lives happier and healthier, but I’ll continue next Monday. Till then, enjoy winter time and stay warm – connect to your inner Sun, and help it shine more bright by consuming warm nourishing food and beverages.

Namaste,

Zoya

9th of Jan 2012

Posted on January 3, 2012

I am a lucky lucky girl!!! When I think about my life, gratefulness is just pouring out of my heart. I do what I love doing most and it pays my bills, I have supportive and loving family and friends, and the most important – I am in love with my husband, and it’s mutual! and it’s getting better and better with each day!

I believe, a woman can only experience real spiritual transformation in life when she falls in love and lives in long-term relationship with her loved one. And she can only be truly happy when she’s next to a loving, caring and strong man.

Today I ‘d like to introduce to you my Man, my soul-mate, my spiritual partner, my lover, my best friend, my husband – all in one – Jason V Lu.

J&Z Lu

Jason was born in Taiwan, but he’d lived abroad, both in the States and Europe, for twenty years, and we moved back to Taipei recently. He’s got golden hands – they are not just gorgeous looking, they can do anything that needs to be done – from fixing the bathroom to creating a chef-d’oeuvre. He loves animals, adores all the dogs and cats. He’s in love with his grandma. He’s always feeling hot! When I’m wearing three layers and a coat, he hardly needs any sweater at all. He’s energy is very strong and healing. By simply placing his hands onto an aching part of my body he soothes the pain right away. He is a strong and very tough guy. He always gets the results he wants. He is vegetarian and loves food. He is a great cook with super delicate taste-buds and huge variety of ingredients’ choice. Having absorbed Chinese, American and Italian culture into his very open mind, Jason’s got unique style in his cooking, as well as in his way of living, wearing clothes, and, of course, creating his art.

Jason has got a very solid classical art training, but he didn’t let it rigid him. He’s blessed with an unlimited source of creative power.  Ideas and images keep non-stop generating in his head. Jason’s extremely visual in his perception, and he found early in his life that expressing himself through drawing works better and it’s easier than writing words (he’s a bit dyslexic).  His art has always been very personal, reflecting the essence of his mind and heart. With years, as Jason keeps growing on his spiritual path, his art gets more and more energy oriented, more blessed with divine stroke, and more inspiring to others. Jason’s living motto is to help people. That’s how he sees his purpose of life, and that’s the goal of his creativity too.

Jason Lu

I’ve used and will use some of his artworks to illustrate my posts but please visit  www.jasonlu.com to see how versatile his approach in using art medium and styles to express himself. You’ll find there everything from classical nude oil paintings to most modern fibreglass installations of 5-8 meters height. His vision is grand, and he likes to create bigJ

His other website is www.consciouseed.com. It’s actually to some extend our mutual creation. There you’ll see the cards, posters, sculptures and jewellery that all are somehow connected to yoga and spirituality.

I hope you’ll enjoy picking into Jason’s world.

Zoya

3d of Jan 2012

Posted on December 29, 2011

2012 is around the corner! It’s time to make New Year’s resolutions! I see the start of a new year as a perfect time to bring welcomed changes into my life. If I don’t even decide what I want to achieve, how will it ever come to me? It’s important to have enough clarity to choose the right direction, and to have enough determination to continue moving on the chosen path.

You’ve tried making resolutions before? You didn’t stick to your resolutions? It didn’t work out? Don’t feel disappointed! Resolutions made on New Year’s Eve have notoriously low success rate, so you are not the only one to fail. Then what’s the point, you ask?

This year will be different! We’ll make the resolutions the yogic way!!! I’ll share with you the secrets that will make your resolutions stickyJ I’d like to share with you a yogic method that has been used for centuries, and shaped people into heroes, and lives into fairytalesJ Seriously, it works! I, my husband and my numerous friends and yoga students are all the proof that it does!

In yogic science, all the terms are given in Sanskrit, an ancient language of wisdom. A Sanskrit word for resolution is «sankalpa», it can be also translated as an affirmation or a positive mental statement. I would like to use the word «sankalpa» rather than «resolution» as there are some important differences between the two (which make sankalpa very successful and resolution – not so much).

How to choose and formulate my sankalpa?

1. The correct formulation of sankalpa is critical to the success of its practice. So it is worth taking some time over this process.  Make an appointment with yourself to sit alone in a quiet place. Reflect on the past and dream about the future. Think about what areas of your life you would like to improve, how you might want your personality to change as well as about your goals and the purpose of your life. Write it down. You could be aiming at very specific goals or formulating how you would like to feel in general. 
2.  Next, you want to choose what’s most important out of all the goals listed and formulate just one sentence that will get us to where we want to be. There should be only ONE sankalpa which should aim at ONE goal only. Yes, only ONE. Go for quality, not quantity. Any fisherman knows you can’t catch two fish on the same hook! The same way you don’t want to de-focus the power of your mind. However, this one sentence can be so powerful that it will bring all the changes in life that you need.
3. To create your own sankalpa, don’t just ask WHAT you want to achieve, ask WHY? For example, if you want to have more money, go beyond saying, “I want to have more money because I need more cash.” Connect to something deeper. What’s behind your desire for more money? Say, you answer is to feel more confident / secure/ at peace with yourself, then your sankalpa should include «feeling confident/ secure/ at peace with myself » rather than «getting more money».When you clarify the “why” behind what you want you’ll feel much more driven and connected to your goal. Also, working on self-confidence might not only manifest more money into your life but also improve your relationships. The same way, working on security or feeling at peace with yourself might not only bring more money but it might help you to get connected to the Earth, your family, your inner self, and the life flow itself. So the result might be greater than the original goal!
4. The sankalpa should be short.  The wording should not change, even if the meaning stays the same. If you are bilingual, you also need to fix the language of the resolve. Whichever phrase and language you choose, it should always be the same, until the sankalpa is fulfilled.
5. The sankalpa should be made in the first person by using “I” or “my”. Completely different from a prayer in this sense, your sankalpa must involve you only, and cannot help to change something in another person. However it definitely can be formulated to change your attitude towards the situation around that person.
6. The sankalpa must be joyous in its essence and therefore “not/don’t/won’t/can’t” and other negative words should not be used. For example, if you desire to recover from a medical condition it should not be structured as “I am not sick”; instead a positive statements such as “My physical body is healthy and strong” or “I enjoy perfect health” can be used. Only positive language should be used.
7. It should be stated in the present tense as if it has come to fruition already. For instance, not «I will enjoy perfect health » but “I enjoy perfect health”. However, if you have some serious illness, saying “I enjoy perfect health” might sound too fake to you to experience positive feeling when you pronounce it (which is essential! but more on it in my next post). In this case you might need to modify it into «I choose to enjoy perfect health». It takes off the resistance, yet it’s much more powerful than saying «I will enjoy perfect health» (the last version will normally never come to the now, it will always stay in the future for your mind).

Let me give you another example: the statement “I will not be smoking in 3 months” is not a good sankalpa to stop smoking (negative + future tense). A better statement could be “I am free of addiction” but it contains the negative word «addiction» and has a limited therapeutic aim. By looking deeper at the roots of the problem and widening the understanding of the inner causes, one might come to a stronger and more efficient sankalpas as”I am at peace with myself»,  ”I am secure in myself”, «I resolve to take care of my body and accept it as it is today», «I trust that my Higher Self fulfils all my needs»”, “I am open to share my truth and integrity with the world», «With playfulness and humor, I raise my vibration in the world», etc.

You are welcome to read some examples of sankalpas that I offer for each chakra (energy center) on my website. Click here, and then on any of the chakra article where you’ll find suggested sankalpas at the end. Just choose one sankalpa which feels most appealing to you.

During my yoga lessons I usually recommend starting with a simple sankalpa ”I am at peace with myself”. The need for inner peace is often the «WHY» behind many desires. People might want all sorts of different things in life – to loose wieght, to find a loving partner, to be healthy, wealthy, joyful, generous, etc. But deep inside it’s all for the sake of feeling at peace with themselves. Looking from the other perspective, by re-connecting to inner peace we can be more successful in achieving any goals and reshaping direction in life along positive lines, and that, in its turn, eventually leads to more inner peace,  balance, happiness and fulfilment. That’s why «I am at peace with myself» is my all times favourite:).

While you are having fun pondering over your possible sankalpas, I’ll write my next post on how and when to use sankalpa to make it efficient and get your dream come true! I would love to hear from you if you find any difficulties, or if you simply want to share a thought. Thank you for reading! Talk to you soon!

Zoya

 27th of Dec, 2011

Tomorrow (Dec 22nd) is the winter solstice! Here comes the longest night of the year! That's the time when we must be most introspective and allow plenty of rest to the body and mind. And what do we find in reality? Paradoxically, these days can be the most hectic and least peaceful time of the year...

Love... this word has been used (and misused) for so long, and people define it in so many different ways, including into the definition a wide range of emotions that includes anything from pleasure and bliss to pain and suffering.

I think it's interesting to look at how the same idea is expressed in different languages. I like referring to Sanskrit as it presents greater depth of meaning and precision. In Sanskrit there are three different words that we can translate as «love»: kama, prema and bhakti. Kama is love that is based on sexual attraction and lust, and associates with physical craving. Prema is conventional love, which is pure enough not to be counted as kama but yet not selfless to get to the next stage, it will involve emotional craving. Bhakti is the highest form of love, unconditional and infinite, and it is commonly linked to devotion and surrender to the Divine.

It's important to understand on what type/stage of love a relationship is being based. If we talk about kama, then obviously there is no way the ego can be out of the game. It's all about satisfying one's desire. In this type of relationship one can't find peace and contentment, the ego just won't let it happen.

In case of Prema, there is deep emotional connection, to the degree when one's heart sings «I can't live without you». However, it also operates from the ego platform. That «I can't live without you» usually is followed with «You can never leave me» or «Don't you dare treat me like this» (read «you must satisfy ME»). Even if one decides to be loving and compassionate, and to do all possible to serve her/his partner, it's often just a trick of the ego to get pumped up with «I’m so selfless, I'm so good», and it eventually (if not at once) will get followed by «and you... how could you...» (again, «you must satisfy ME»). This type of relationship also brings lots of suffering as the ego can never get enough, and nothing is permanent, all is bound to constant change and the final ending at one point.

Now, Bhakti... What is this unconditional love that can last forever? As the only thing that never dies is our Soul, Bhakti is love at the Soul level. To get THIS high, we must start seeing our partner as the Soul, the Divine Self, the Cosmic Consciousness (put any other name for the Highest Self to suit your cultural background and beliefs). If there was GOD (again, use any other word if this doesn't appeal) in front of you, would you make that negative remark, would you not find time to help out, wouldn't you serve him/her well?...   I hope you got the point. Never expecting anything in return, yet giving the whole of your Self. Without holding back. Constantly. With devotion. With joy. Maybe then we can have an experience similar to Mother Teresa's who said once: « I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love».

I know we are all far from being saints, yet we can bring more Bhakti into the Prema relationship by learning to surrender our ego in devotion and humility (not humiliation), and treating our partner as a Divine Self (which he/she is anyway, as we all are!). A relationship is the best opportunity for self-development and spiritual growth. Take it! 

I don’t read many books. Somehow I feel that real knowledge can only come through my own experience. Meditation has proved to be the best tool to open the door to the wisdom source for me. In my life, the meditation came first, and then there were some books that helped me to put into the words my inner experiences and realisations. One of those books is The Power of the NOW by Eckhart Tolle – a great book I highly recommend to everyone who wants to be happy (unconditionally:).

Today I’d like to share a few quotes from this author who never fails to inspire me.

“If you cannot be at ease with yourself when alone, you will seek a relationship to cover up your unease.  You can be sure that the unease will then reappear in some other form within the relationship, and you will probably hold your partner responsible for it.”

«When you are enlightened, there is one relationship that you no longer have: the relationship with yourself.  Once you have given that up, all your other relationships will be love relationships. »
«As long as the ego runs your life, most of your thoughts, emotions, and actions arise from desire and fear. In relationships you then either want or fear something from the other person.

What you want from them may be pleasure or material gain, recognition, praise or attention, or a strengthening of your sense of self through comparison and through establishing that you are, have, or know more than they. What you fear is that the opposite may be the case, and they may diminish your sense of self in some way.

When you make the present moment the focal point of your attention — instead of using it as a means to an end — you go beyond the ego and beyond the unconscious compulsion to use people as a means to an end, the end being self-enhancement at the cost of others. When you give your fullest attention to whoever you are interacting with, you take past and future out of the relationship, except for practical matters. When you are fully present with everyone you meet, you relinquish the conceptual identity you made for them — your interpretation of who they are and what they did in the past — and are able to interact without the egoic movements of desire and fear. Attention, which is alert stillness, is the key.

How wonderful to go beyond wanting and fearing in your relationships. Love does not want or fear anything. »

Eckhart Tolle

Celebration time - it's been 7 years since I'm married! I am certainly not an expert on a man-woman relationship. After all, it's only 7 years. But somehow I feel that if we've made it through these 7 years of marriage, and came out even more in love and in tune with each other than before we tied the knot, maybe it’s worth sharing a few points with those who are in love and want to keep it up.

I have to admit that for the first years of our life together (which coincided with the first years of our marriage, as we jumped into it barely knowing each other) we constantly argued and fought our way to happiness. Now when I look back, I don't even understand how we survived through these intense times filled with blame, guilt, anger, grievance and hurt. But look at us now! People often think we are just dating, or have married recently. No one believes we've been together for so long. So what's the secret of keeping it gentle and perky?

Other than loving each other, it's primarily important to have determination to stay together, no matter what. I am lucky to have an example of my parents who are still together after 40 (!) years of their married life. So from childhood I've always thought I'll be married once and forever. If one enters marriage with the mood of trying it out, «to see if it works», the divorce is guaranteed. Every couple goes through many troubles and hard times, and that's where determination makes a huge difference.

Not less important than determination is our willingness to change, to constantly work on ourselves. And this starts with learning about yourself through your loved one. That’s why we come together, I believe, a life after life, we use our partner as a mirror that perfectly (and permanently!) reflects all we have to show. And if we might know of our pleasant sides, or love to find more of them at any time, we commonly find it difficult to accept our shortcomings, especially when this awareness comes through someone who is so dear to us. However, the moment we get closed for self-improvement, we jeopardise our marriage. Accept where you are, and do your best to become a better husband/wife.

The rest is just common sense but many of us are far from doing it. (Excuse me writing only about the way you should treat HIM, it works the same way in relation to HER (in case you are a man and reading it))

1. Try to please you loved one! Don't you love him? If the answer is yes, the truth is – you can only be happy when he is happy.  So make him happy, it equals to making yourself happy!
2. Don't expect him to make you happy. In fact, just don't expect anything. Period. When there are expectations, there are disappointments. Wouldn't you rather be surprised with something nice, than expect it and didn't get it?
3. Find joy in your family responsibilities. Transform it into your love meditation in action. May everything you do for your partner remind you of your mutual love. Serving him equals making him happy, which equals...? If you didn’t get the answer, look at point 1.
4. Make him your best friend. Trust is crucial in any relationship, especially in such intimate one as with your life partner. Talk about what matters to you (any thoughts, desires, dreams) and ask your partner advice on all you do. Also listen closely when your partner shares with you his heart, and never betray him by talking about it with others (unless he advised otherwise).
5. Never complain about your loved one to anyone except those people who can help to see the solution. Judging your loved one behind his back never brought anyone happiness. Instead why not try and see positive things in your relationship? Then talk about those things and make them bloom!
6. Antoine de Saint-Exupery said: «Loving is not just looking at each other, it's looking in the same direction». Dream your future together, make time (and mood) to talk about things that make you both thrive so you can choose and agree on direction that you are moving towards. 

I didn't realize I've got so many points, and I could have continued:) But that's all for now.

Well, just one more point – if at any time you've got a desire to do something opposite to recommended above, please stop and ask yourself:  Is at this moment the amount of ego in me is overpowering the amount of love?

That's what love is all about. Loving someone as yourself. Or even more! To be able to truly love (yourself or someone else), you must put aside your ego. (How to? that's a long topic for another post). But dealing with the ego is absolutely essential to finding your true self and your true love which lasts «happily ever after». 

Namaste to all who is reading my first blog:)

I’ve been considering blogging for a long while (almost two years?:), and I’m finally doing it. Yeay!:) Today is happened to be 12/12/2011, quite an interesting date. Recently we’ve had many special dates – 01/10/11, 10/10/11, 20/11/2011, 01/11/11, 11/11/11, and all of them have a specific meaning and therefore a task to perform. Honestly, I wasn’t able to “celebrate” all of them, though I believe in numerology and the fact that each number has a particular vibration and some special energy. But today is different to me –I’m doing it!

A few days ago, I saw a friend’s post on FB about the 12/12 alignment with an attached article on Divine Forgiveness and Divine Union. The part on forgiveness has clicked with me. It is something I’ve been working on for a few years. I’ve been receiving the message of forgiveness many times recently, so it feels like it’s time to finish the work! No, it is not that I have some enemies, or I hold a grudge against someone. In my case it’s more about forgiving my-Self! I haven’t killed anyone but I’m sure in some cases I could have done better… And don’t we all criticize ourselves for not being good enough, not doing enough of good things, or doing too much of bad stuff? Some people might take it easier but my «inner critic» is a strong guy, and I’ve spent much time and energy confronting him (yes, it’s him, not her:) i see him as a middle-aged man in a black suit:).  I was lucky to get help from my mentors and friends; I used Emotional Freedom Technique, Shamanic Healing, and hours and hours of meditation to getto where I am now at. However, I feel it’s not over yet. Tonight I’ll do an important step to say final «good-bye» to that unloving part of myself that holds me back from letting go of all past «mistakes» and embracing the now with openness and joy that will lead to an abundant future.

“Forgiveness” doesn’t require much effort at it is not an action. It is simply stopping of blaming someone or yourself for something. Since blaming requires energy, and forgiveness is the stopping of this action of blaming, it actually is easier to forgive than to continuously be blaming another or yourself. So all I need to do is to relax, take a deep breath in, breathe out and forgive! Then the energy that was held to feed my inner critic and the space taken by this guy who lacks compassion will get free! Yep, that’s it! Tonight is the night! Thanks to blogging I made this final decision. I’ll do it the moment I finish my writing.

Farewell my inner critic! Your space will be taken by a loving rose-cheeked woman with an open heart:)

P.S. for more on forgiveness have a look at the Anahata Chakra's healing strategy